On Conflict in the Church
Everybody experiences conflict sooner or later. Much of the time, one might be able to shrug it off when people around us do something that offends us, because we expect to find disagreement among people of “the world.” But when it happens in a church space, it can bring up a whole lot of other hurt and disappointment because we expect Christians to know better and do better than unbelievers. But the fact is that when you share a space with other believers, you are still sharing the space with a room full of sinners and people with different ideas to you, so experiencing conflict is inevitable.
Which is why it is important to ask: What is a biblical way of handling conflict? Conflict is a normal part of life. It’s the natural result of different people with different personalities and priorities interacting in the same spaces. While many people instinctively try to avoid conflict, there will be times when it cannot or should not be avoided. But if you don’t approach conflict with care, you may end up making the situation much worse than it needs to be. Thankfully, the Bible is full of guidance on how best to handle conflict. Some of these principles include acting in the spirit, practising self-control, and aiming for peace and reconciliation.
Act in the Spirit
Since many of Paul’s letters in the New Testament were written in situations involving conflict, you will find he has a lot to say about how we can best live with one another, and a key theme in many of his letters is that of living according to the Spirit as opposed to living according to the flesh. He identifies the source of jealousy and strife among people as “being of the flesh and behaving only in a human way” (1 Corinthians 3:3). Paul lists among the works of the flesh, “enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, [and] envy” (Galatians 5:20-21), which are all behaviours or attitudes commonly seen when there is conflict.
The only way that we can resist the desires of the flesh is by living in the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the Spirit within us who enables us to reflect Christ's character by producing within us its fruit, which includes love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22), all of which are essential characteristics for making peace. This is why dealing with conflict biblically will look like being patient with one another, acting in love and kindness, speaking with gentleness, and practising self-control.
But how does one practically act in the Spirit when conflict arises? The first step when facing conflict is to pray. Prayer not only helps you look beyond your own desires by turning to God for wisdom or direction, but it is also often through prayer that we are convicted of sin and moved to confess and make amends.
In any situation where you find yourself in conflict with someone, it is important that you also examine your own heart to see if there is anything on your part that you might have done that could have contributed to any misunderstandings or hurt to the other person. It is also important for us to check our own attitudes and conduct in relation to how we might react towards the person we disagree with. Prayer helps us to stop and reflect on our own hearts and desires before the conflict escalates.
Once we have dealt with our own hearts, we can begin to consider how we should approach the person we are in conflict with. If we are acting in the Spirit, our actions should be consistent with the fruit of the Spirit; we should be acting in love. Love is thinking first about the spiritual well-being of the people around you, rather than venting your personal feelings of anger.
Remember, the famous love passage in 1 Corinthians 13 was written to a church dealing with conflict among the members. And it is in that context of conflict that Paul teaches that love is patient and kind; it is not arrogant, rude, self-seeking, or easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. These characteristics should shape how we deal with people who disagree with us. We should be walking in a manner worthy of our calling, which Paul describes as acting “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:2-3).
Practice Self-Control
In addition to approaching every interaction with kindness and love, the importance for self-control is worth mentioning. Because, in addition to putting on the character of Christ, it is also important that we actively put off anything that belongs to the flesh and to what we were before we put our faith in Christ. As much as we need to strive to have “compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other,” Paul also commands us to put away “anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth” (Colossians 3:8-14).
The two areas in which we most need self-control are those of our feelings and our words. James warns us that we should be “quick to hear, slow to speak, [and] slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (1:19-20). Reacting in anger to the hurt you feel in any given situation is a sure way to make the conflict bigger. Which is why it is important to get your own emotions under control when faced with a confrontation with another person. And should the other person be struggling to do the same, you would be in a position to practice the wisdom of Proverbs 15:1 that reminds us, “a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” And uncontrolled anger is at a high risk of opening the door to other sins, so while we may be angry, it is not an excuse to sin (Ephesians 4:27).
While we know we should be slow to anger (James 1:19), the first part of the same verse reminds us that it is equally important that we be quick to listen and slow to speak. It is not for nothing that James speaks of the great power that the tongue has for destruction, comparing it to a small fire that sets a great forest ablaze (3:5-6). The wise recognise that “when words are many, transgression is not lacking” (Proverbs 10:19). And so, it is especially important that we exercise self-control, not only over our anger, but also over our tongues.
Paul reminds us that we should “Let no corrupting talk come out of [our] mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that you many give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). We need to remember that we will give an account for every careless word that we speak (Matthew 12:36). Thus, we need to be careful about the words that we choose to use when confronting, or being confronted by, another person with whom we have a conflict.
In addition, while there may be times when we need to seek the counsel of older and wiser believers, we must be careful not to use that as an excuse to gossip about a person. We are told not to speak evil of anyone, to avoid quarrelling, and to show courtesy toward all people (Titus 3:2). This courtesy should also be extended to the brother or sister you have a conflict with, so that you do not say anything about them that you will later regret.
Pursue Peace and Reconciliation
Finally, remember that the end goal of any confrontation is to achieve peace and reconciliation between both parties. For this reason, any rebuke or criticism should be handled constructively. This is why you first need to pray to check your own attitudes and motives, and then prepare to speak gently, balancing words of criticism with encouragement, and using scripture to instruct rather than your own opinions. But we also need to be ready to welcome criticism. Psalm 141:5 compares the rebuke of a righteous man with kindness. In the same way, we should be ready to receive correction when needed. In the same context that Jesus warns us of the dangers of judging, because the measure we use will be the measure used against us, he also encourages us first to examine ourselves and deal with our own sin, before we can see clearly to help a brother to deal with theirs (Matthew 7:1-5).
It may turn out that, in the process of examining ourselves, we realise that we may, in fact, be the one at fault for having offended the other person. Matthew 5:23-24 shows us that if we have offended another person, our worship is unacceptable to God until we have reconciled with them; you must “first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” If you are the one who has been offended and, after examining yourself, you are sure the issue is a matter of sin rather than a petty grievance, Jesus advises how to approach the brother in Matthew 18:15-17.
His advice involves three steps: confronting your brother privately, then, if he doesn’t listen, bringing along one or two others, and finally, if he still refuses to listen, bringing it to the church. But in each of these situations, the aim is still to achieve peace and reconciliation between the two parties. The aim is never to destroy the other person. When witnesses are brought in, they are also there to act as mediators, in hopes of resolving the problem before it reaches the next stage. And even if a person with a sin problem is brought to the church, the hope is that they would be restored in gentleness (Galatians 6:1).
In some situations, it is necessary to seek the counsel of other spirit-filled believers. We see a good example of this in Acts 6, where some members of the community felt that their needs were being neglected in the daily distribution to the widows. When the complaint reached the twelve, they proposed a solution that ensured nobody would feel neglected going forward by assigning the task of caring for those widows to some spirit-filled men set apart for that duty.
At the end of the day, if we have followed the steps above, acted in the Spirit, practised self-control, and pursued peace and reconciliation, we should be able to approach conflict as a problem to be resolved together rather than as a situation in which people remain divided. When we speak the truth in love and are open to receiving correction ourselves, then we can keep the unity which we have in Christ as we grow together as one body (Ephesians 4:15-16).
Article by Hilary Mushambi